I went to the toilet while trying to hide the tears falling down like streams from my cheek. Then I cried, cried like hell, unstoppable. The pain inside my chest pressed me so hard I couldn't breathe. I tried to calm myself down, thought this was just a small thing, that I could overcome it and continue as usual.
As I came back to my desk, my boss kept speaking to me with an angry voice and absurd requests. And I told to her: "I can no longer stand this. I quit."
That was not anything big. Just another problem at work, another strong word from my boss. But I felt it was the peak of everything. I've been waking up 3 - 4 in the morning to work on my book for 3 months now. All I've ever wanted was to quit the job to write, to travel. But I kept myself in a safe net, like my mom said, like my friends said. But it drained my energy.
It was not because of the job itself, or my boss, even though both were intolerable sometimes. It's just because I lost my interest in this job. I found my passion. And I wanted to live with it. Fully. I tried to keep both, day job and night work, and waited until I released my book to set the next move. But the fact was, I couldn't bear it any more. I couldn't concentrate on my day job, and didn't devote enough time and effort for the book.
In the corporate environment, I'm like a fish out of water. I try to fit in but I can't. People are like dummies, wandering around, no love, no passion, living day by day without any dream, no aspiration, just merely protecting their own bags and distorted by hatred. I don't want to live like that, and I don't want power, or money, or my own gang. I don't want to lead anybody, and I don't want anybody to lead me. I want an independent job, in a quiet room, just me with myself. But I just waited for the time to come, to build enough foundation for my second job, before quitting the first one. But everyday there was a torture, it was killing me with the people, the atmosphere, the pressure of this typical job.
I went home after work, feeling relieved. And scared at the same time. What if my book would never come out as I plan. What if I could never go back to the office job, and being broke, inside and outside, living like a beggar and starving to death. I was afraid to lose the comfort in this current life, with fancy office and desk, with parties and people, with benefit. I was afraid to fall to the unknown. Then I checked some advice on "Things writers should ask before quitting day job", and I found that I was more than ready. I had more savings that suggested, my mom and brother and friends supported me, I had social connection with the students whom I counseled for their job seeking, I had backup plan. And other writers told amazing stories about how they quit their jobs and started to write. I knew that the stories were from the ones who succeeded. And those who fell never tell. But I knew I was more than ready. A strong voice inside of my told myself to be confident, to believe in myself, I had prepared enough, it was the time to take a big leap, to fall if I had to, and to back up, to a new chapter of my life.
I still don't know what wait ahead. But I keep writing. As long as I write, I'm ok. I know that it's not going to be easy. But with so much passion and love, I will keep going forward. And I feel that from the distance, God is looking at me, and smile.
