On the go

I finished the first draft of my book, and now in the re-write stage. For other writers, it takes as long as their writing time to rewrite and revise the book. Let's see how it goes for me.

My project of 1,000 words a day failed some days, and I'm gonna get back on. I didn't concentrate on writing sometimes, feeling lazy and forget about it. But my lifetime dream is to be a writer, and I have a book to finish and more books waiting. What kind of writer am I if I don't write daily?

So I will write, diligently, thoughtfully, happily, for the ones who have stepped this path before me, and for the ones who will continue to hold this torch. For the ones I love and for the ones love me. So I write:

- For Stephen King, who wrote his first novel in the dim light of the suffocating laundry room, who wrote through his struggling years of poverty and starvation, through his period of serious accident, and continue to be the best selling author today.

- For J. K. Rowling, who wrote during her child's nap at a cafe, who wrote through her mother's death, through a painful divorce, through the time of being a failure and "as poor as possible to be in modern Britain, without being homeless". Who despite all the difficulties in life, threw her heart into writing, and gave love, hope to reader by the pages of her books.

- For Khaled Hosseini, who wrote when being a full time doctor, and brought in a stunning book, which made many readers to weep, to sigh and to smile in happiness upon reading it. He chose a safe way, and landed successfully to the land of well - known writers, with his hard work.

- For Elizabeth Gilbert, my favorite writer, who traveled all around the world, working as waitress, working in a farm, and whatever job possible to meet people, to talk to them, and to have material to write. And released many books from throughout research and careful and hilarious writing.

- For Hayao Miyazaki, who worked until 1:00AM every night and back to work at 7:00AM in the morning, to created a different world, pure and beautiful, and inspired many people with his work.

- For my mom, who always dreamed to be a writer, but couldn't because of hardship in life. Despite that, she grew me as best as she can and made me who I am today.

- For a little cute baby with the same name of me, daughter of my close friend. My friend got married so soon and now lives mostly for her child. I feel the responsibility to work harder and to make her proud of me and follow her dreams (if any).

- For my best friend, who gave me useful feedback on my book, who is one of the purest souls on earth, who will be my target reader, make the book like talking to her, make it jolly and make her laugh.

- For myself, as I love writing, love sharing stories and experience and hear the stories back. Carrying this love with me, pouring it down to every page, is what I'm gonna do to make the book the best I can.

A day to remember

I went to the toilet while trying to hide the tears falling down like streams from my cheek. Then I cried, cried like hell, unstoppable. The pain inside my chest pressed me so hard I couldn't breathe. I tried to calm myself down, thought this was just a small thing, that I could overcome it and continue as usual.

As I came back to my desk, my boss kept speaking to me with an angry voice and absurd requests. And I told to her: "I can no longer stand this. I quit."

That was not anything big. Just another problem at work, another strong word from my boss. But I felt it was the peak of everything. I've been waking up 3 - 4 in the morning to work on my book for 3 months now. All I've ever wanted was to quit the job to write, to travel. But I kept myself in a safe net, like my mom said, like my friends said. But it drained my energy. 

It was not because of the job itself, or my boss, even though both were intolerable sometimes. It's just because I lost my interest in this job. I found my passion. And I wanted to live with it. Fully. I tried to keep both, day job and night work, and waited until I released my book to set the next move. But the fact was, I couldn't bear it any more. I couldn't concentrate on my day job, and didn't devote enough time and effort for the book.

In the corporate environment, I'm like a fish out of water. I try to fit in but I can't. People are like dummies, wandering around, no love, no passion, living day by day without any dream, no aspiration, just merely protecting their own bags and distorted by hatred. I don't want to live like that, and I don't want power, or money, or my own gang. I don't want to lead anybody, and I don't want anybody to lead me. I want an independent job, in a quiet room, just me with myself. But I just waited for the time to come, to build enough foundation for my second job, before quitting the first one. But everyday there was a torture, it was killing me with the people, the atmosphere, the pressure of this typical job.

I went home after work, feeling relieved. And scared at the same time. What if my book would never come out as I plan. What if I could never go back to the office job, and being broke, inside and outside, living like a beggar and starving to death. I was afraid to lose the comfort in this current life, with fancy office and desk, with parties and people, with benefit. I was afraid to fall to the unknown. Then I checked some advice on "Things writers should ask before quitting day job", and I found that I was more than ready. I had more savings that suggested, my mom and brother and friends supported me, I had social connection with the students whom I counseled for their job seeking, I had backup plan. And other writers told amazing stories about how they quit their jobs and started to write. I knew that the stories were from the ones who succeeded. And those who fell never tell. But I knew I was more than ready. A strong voice inside of my told myself to be confident, to believe in myself, I had prepared enough, it was the time to take a big leap, to fall if I had to, and to back up, to a new chapter of my life. 

I still don't know what wait ahead. But I keep writing. As long as I write, I'm ok. I know that it's not going to be easy. But with so much passion and love, I will keep going forward. And I feel that from the distance, God is looking at me, and smile.

What I did on my 27th birthday

... was sending a chapter of my book to the publisher, and was distressed to know the feedback. She replied yesterday with some thoughtful advice, which gave me a total different view to my book. I need to change my approach to the subject to give the best benefit to reader, which means I have to revise most of what I have written. It's ok, I will do it for reader's sake.

I spent my birthday indoor, writing emails to customers and publishers. Then I went out, having dinner with my best friend. The older I am, the quieter my birthdays are. It's nice though, I don't expect a big celebration. At first I was a bit upset because the first person to send birthday wish to me was my boss. And not many people seemed to remember my birthday. But I heard from all my beloved ones, that's just all I need.

It's been 2/3 of the book now. What I need to do next is to finish the first chapter of instructions and introductions to social media sites, and complete some small parts. And I need to work on the book every day to finish it. Every day.

New publishers contacted me for the publish plans of other books. After finishing this book, I will need to jump into another subject, and another, and another. That's how things go. Now I have to really focus on this book.

My job is ok. Gradually I realize that it's a fine job, good colleagues. Actually that job is a good one and people would take it immediately if they have chance. But I've been having bad attitude toward my job, just because I'm so into writing, and I don't want to do that job for the rest of my life. Here, again, I have to remind myself to pay full attention to my job during working hour, make it excellent. And when time comes, I can leave. If my work on writing is not good enough, I will have to accept that job to be permanent. If I'm still there, it means I'm not ready for the next move yet, so just do the best I can.

During all this chaos of job and work and projects, what I really want is to get my book done. Whenever I feel exhausted, or stuck, I just imagine the fine book on the shelf, silently, peacefully. And I make it through, again and again. When I'm in trouble, I just look up to God. I see God smiling at me, telling me not to worry, because I can do that, I will finally have my book done. And another. And another.

Onward Rosie.

Shut up and write

- What's the time now?
- 5:46.
- What time did you wake up?
- 5:11.
- What have you done since then?
- Facebook.
- Go to hell, Rosie.

Seriously, I shouldn't spend more time on FB anymore, except for doing useful things.

Now, a note to update things lately. The book is still on track. Cambodia, Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore. I'm going to Indonesia now and the Philippines. Then go back, editing the first chapter and the Cambodia or Thailand part, then send to editors and reviewer. This need to be done before my birthday.

But what I'm not satisfied are:
- Still FB at work (especially the last 2 days when I posted a viral post about English studying)
- Not fully concentrate on the book and work with it fully.
- Not moderate as I used to be. Watched movie and slept at 2AM. Woke up late. No reading or writing in the morning. No exercise. This happened since last week when I started watching How I met your mother. It was damn good. But I need moderation and balance. So I have to resist myself from watching it too much.
- I don't counsel on CV and job hunting lately.

Good things:
- When I don't write the book, I write about other topics for my next book, and it went good. Should keep it this way.
- A student invited me to speak at her school's program about job orientation. Should watch comedies and prepare for it. Things like: "finding a job is like finding your soul mate".
- More followers. Haha.

Now need to work on the bad habits and correcting it. Adjusting myself toward the target.

OK keep it up Rosie.

Stories about happiness

1. Quang Trung met Napoleon. The two kings boasted about their victories, showing each other the strategies in combat, and sharing the pressure of being a leader. It was a fine day. They were sitting on a porch, looking to the street outside. A typical Vietnamese street, vehicles passing frenetically, street stalls and vendors selling everything possible on earth. Quang Trung pointed to a sweet potato seller, who was turning her potatoes upside down on the grills, squinting at the sparks of fire flying out of the grill stove. He murmured: "Look, isn't that girl happier than us? She sells all of her potatoes, coming back home with her husband, and have a peaceful night. We, we have many sleepless nights thinking about battles, kingdoms, tactics". Napoleon nodded. And they both sighed, pondering their lives.

 What is the point of this fable, you may ask. Well, my friend, don't you see that even kings are not happy. It seems that there are some happy people in life, but not ourselves, we ourselves are always miserable. The grilled sweet potato seller seemed to be happier than the kings. But who knows if she always had good nights, or if her dreams were shattered by her fear of starving to death. We all suffer from our own troubles in life.

2. I read a quote on Goodreads: "Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know". Sadly, the quote is so true. Intelligent people are unlikely to be happy. They know the dark sides of the world that not all the people know, they see the corrupted politicians that not many people see, and they notice flaws and faults that others barely notice. And they have their own problems, even if they're super intelligent. I know a man who has IQ of hundred something, everything was easy because he is so smart. He never knows what hard work means since his ability is enough. When he was a kid, school was too easy, read the book, answer the questions, got an A. But smart kid got bullied, so he hid it, hiding himself from other people. Until he went to college, he was asocial and lonely. He got lazy as nothing challenges him and he gets bored easily. And he suffers from depression and addiction. Intelligence doesn't make us happier.

Instead, I'm thinking maybe we don't need to be intelligent to be happy. Happy people aren't necessarily the ones who have high IQ. They don't necessarily know everything in life. In the novel Number the stars, the author says: it is much easier to be brave if you don't know everything, we should know only what we need to know. Like that, I think happy people aren't the one who know everything. They know what they need to know. They know what they don't know. And they know what is enough. They are not the smartest guys. But they are wise guys, who manage to be happy without being ignorant.

We're all going to die, my friend. Being happy or being upset, it's a choice of life. For me, I choose happy - go - lucky. 

Work for my country

I read a scientist's blog yesterday about why it's hard to be proud as a Vietnamese. Taking 6 criteria: tradition & culture, economy, education & science, social stability, nature, and global responsibility, he explains respectively why Vietnamese pride is a difficult thing. He quotes a note from a Vietnamese historian: "In general, Vietnamese are smart, but there's hardly a genial individual. They are more into art than science, and prefer vanity to real study. They are a bit superficial, not so persevering. There is little creativity, but much of imitation". He compares Vietnam with Japan, and Australia, where he is living. Then he concludes that Vietnamese in general have nothing to be proud of their nation, if any, that's the future's story. Well yeah, that's all true, but the thing is, there's nothing new about it. And I'm sick of hearing such things. You know where it leads to? Complaint. Dismay.

What strikes me is Vietnamese are so conscious about their nationality, so proud in the past and so ashamed in the present. In school, teachers taught us to be proud of Vietnam, quoting Ho Chi Minh: "Our people are passionate patriots". Growing up that way, we stick our personality to our nationality. One time, me and my colleague went to a business trip abroad. When introducing herself, she proudly said: "I'm Linh. I'm Vietnamese". I thought that only me who was so proud of being Vietnamese, then I realized it was what had been taught, everyone was like that. Now things change. Many Vietnamese people go abroad, mostly developed countries, who wants to see Africa when going aroad? And now they turn around feeling ashamed of their nationality.  They often complain how bad this country is, how bad the political situation is, how bad other Vietnamese behave. They always compare Vietnam with developed countries. Vietnam this, Vietnam that. I can smell a bit of national inferority in this.

Other countries, I don't see a that much consciousness or explicit relevance between people and their nationalities. My friends don't mention their nationalities until being asked. A friend introduces himself shortly: I'm J. He is J, that's it. He is an individual, an independent person, not a person who belongs to a specific country. When I asked him if Indian were this and that, he replied curtly: "It's not about Indian, but it's about personalities. Don't put a hat on me 'coz I'm Indian or Vietnamese. Don't equate all the people". What a difference!

Ugly Vietnamese has been a hot topic to write on. A friend once told me to write a book about ugly Vietnamese, he would buy it. I smirked, thanked him and replied: if I wrote any book about that topic, my book wouldn't be about ugly Vietnamese, but about social standard and education made us ugly, and how should we improve that status. I'm fed up with people going around and talking how bad Vietnam is compared with other countries. Sure, Vietnam is no way better than America, Europe, Australia, or Japan. This is an underdeveloped nation. If any thing makes me sad, it's that this nation is not developed in conformity with its resources, not because of it's not in pace with industrial capital nations. But what we can do for the country, that's important. How we, with our best, contribute to the progress and development of Vietnam.

So what can I take from it for myself? Well, Vietnamese think of themselves to vain and not into real study. I'm gonna prove the contrary. I can see that books in the market now are published neglectfully, many books are actually collections of the authors' different blog posts. These books therefore lack of coherence, consistency, and attraction. My book won't be like that. I used to proud of myself to release one of the best graduation thesis in my university (although not the highest graded one), I did a lot of research, market analysis, I was very detailed and meticulous, to make sure that everything was right. So now I'm gonna do 100 times more than that (sorry for the exaggeration, it only means I'm gonna do better than that). Reading books, researching topics, making everything in line. I'm gonna make my book on par with other international best sellers. Making it the most informative Vietnamese travel book ever, making it the best book available in that niche market, making myself crave for it, making readers crave for it. Sound too ambitious? You'll see that I can. Only hard work required.

What can help me to do it better? Well, it's to utilize my night time, 8 - 10PM to research seriously and effectively, and saving all the useful information for the next morning writing. Let me find the way not to fall asleep so early. I slept too much last night and couldn't work as much as I wanted. Good news? I finished Cambodia part, finished it well. Bad news? Didn't read any word about Thailand. Anyway I did have some books about Thailand now. 5 more days to go for the country of smile.

Keep going Rosie.

The turning point

One week have passed. I haven't written much of the book, although I managed to write 1,000 words per day about other topics, which may be useful for my next books.

The fact is that I'm coming to a difficult part. Stories finished, now I have to read a lot of materials, information, different books, different sites, and synchronize all and somehow turn these things into my words and provide the best, the most useful information for my readers. Not easy right? Don't be fooled, it's not hard as it seems. At this point, I realize that research is a part of writing. I used to admire Elizabeth Gilbert for her detailed and informative notes, now I'm doing it myself and hope my readers will somehow feel the similar satisfaction. There is only one problem, it takes time. I cannot write as fast as I want.

It's the end of September now. I've written a little bit over 1/3 of the book, finishing Cambodia history, now need to finish the culture, people and religion part. I have planned that for each introduction of each country, I would write around 5 pages, means maximum 3,000 words, an achievable goal I reckon. Target set: 5 days for each country. Well, just read a lot of information at night, then write in the morning. Anything missing can be supplemented later, now just write all down and finish as early as possible. By the end of October I need to have at least Cambodia, Thailand, Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia finished. If possible adding the Philippines. And by then I will have submitted the preface and Cambodia travel guide to the publishers.

Last weekend, I had a very nice night with my friend in a newly opened Japanese restaurant in D1. Beautiful design, good food, and quiet. I remember listening to my friend's continuous talking and looking at the window with hanging green flower baskets, feeling the scent of the night. She is going to have her book published too. She told she met an experienced editor from a famous publishing house, who gave her useful ideas for her book. And she has to re-write the book, and I've got the editor's name. Her book is about traveling too, but it's a story. My book, well, not about it. I hope somehow we both can have our books published and sold well, filling the niches with our hits.  Let's see how things go.

OK, small thing first. Today, I will have to finish the part about Cambodia introduction, and move on to the next country. I've read enough about Cambodia, it's time to finish writing about it.

Onward Rosie.

One year and work/write balance

I'm 1/3 through the book, confident to say it now. I finished most of the stories throughout South East Asia and now reading the information about each country to write the guiding parts. Just one thing behind the schedule, that I planned to finish editing the Cambodia and Singapore stories last night and moved on to the next, but couldn't. Anyway, it's not so bad and now I have the idea how to to revise the stories then.

My friend helped me to contact another publisher, and I need to send them a draft of my book before the end of next month so they can review it and let me know their feedback. My birthday then, at the end of next month. Gotta write my button off to meet the deadline. Then I can have the best birthday ever, it's all in my hands. The more I write, the more I'm confident about my writing skill and the feasibility of the book. The more I write, the better I feel. Even if it may not be a success, it proves to me that I can, proves to me that the life that I've been wanted but never thought I could reach is real, is possible, with my hard work.

I nearly reach the threshold of 21 days, it's 21 days to build a habit, as always said. From the beginning of September, I've been writing 1,000 words a day, except for yesterday to be precise. I'm comfortable with that, as I can see it now. It's even itchy not to write enough during the day. Writing is a way to reflect myself, to think, to reminisce things and bring new lights to old memories, and somehow it makes my life richer, full of joy and contentment. I never feel this much good since I was born. I've been wondering how other writers can find time to write while they are working, how Khaled Hosseini finished "The kite runner" when he still worked as a doctor. Now I know how. They just do it, saving their time and write. 

This is one year since the date my article about traveling made me famous on Facebook. One year, things have changed since. The girl in my article got a scholarship and begins her first semester in Stanford now, no one remembers the crazy guy who requested to withdraw her book and denounced me, and me, I'm writing my first book. Since that event, I have been known as a Facebooker, an inspirer to some, a mentor, and a story teller. I got many new friends and lost some old friends meanwhile, but glad that my best ones still last. I've been writing more diligently since, and see what brought me: A fulfilled life.

This is also my one year anniversary with yoga. And I'm happier with myself now, thinking about my soul and my God more often. Whenever something goes wrong or not as I expect, I think about my soul, and in the long run, what that would mean to me, and what I should do to make it right. Then things turn out to be ok, as in the long run, petty things disappear, only good attitude and hard work last. So I just focus on what important. And I'm not an angry, moody, hot temper individual that I once was. I'm calmer and more laid back than before, stronger physically and mentally.

And books, I'm more into books now. English books and Vietnamese books, buying and borrowing and lending. Sometimes I just wish to take a day leave and stay home to read. Books bring great pleasure to me. "Too many books, to little time", this quote is just so right. Now I have a bookshelf in my room and building a small library with my mom back in the hometown, for her students.

To sum up, these three things made me a better person for one year: reading, writing, and yoga. See how far they will lead me if I continue this way, guess I will become exactly the person that I wanted to be. Nothing in life is more desirable than that.

Yet I need to note to myself here. Since I notice that I won't feel perfectly ok with myself if I don't work well at my full time job. I must say that I'm fed up with it, 1000 percent. But I can't get rid of it right now. And it is likely that I can never get rid of it. Very few writers can live with their work, especially in Vietnam, where writers are poorly paid, and copyright regulations are still disdained. Many writers still need to stick with their full time jobs to earn their livings. Being new in writing, I cannot expect to live comfortably with it, even if my first book is a big success. So the wise choice is to do well at the official job.

Since I'm no longer into this job, I had a bad attitude and didn't devote my time and energy to work. And it's bad. My bosses look down on me, which I couldn't stand it, my work gets worse, which I don't want it to be, and I can't even quit now if I apply my resignation letter, since there are still many things pending.

What is the best way of this, I already know. Today, I make a promise to myself: work perfectly in the office, and leave early, going home and do my writing. It is to work perfectly in both areas that makes my life balance and good. Writing makes me feel good at home, but doing my job well will make me feel good 8 hours a day at work, I can't neglect any field. And I need to make things right, sowing the right seeds to see the ripe fruits. This is what I will do today: no reading, no Facebooking at work, saving exactly 8 hours and then leave to write. And since today, I will continue it, for 21 days, as what I have done with my writing.

Onward, Rosie.

A note

Things have been good lately, but today morning I didn't complete my 1,000 words. That's why I'm writing this.

I was doing good with the book, being stuck at one point, but then I found out the way and wrote it better. Tried this and that in different parts, to figure out what works for me, and it turned out ok, for me now, at this moment. I don't expect it to be easy, and I'm gonna stay with it, stick with it, and work on it. Let's see how it goes.

I only read Vietnamese books these days, not much of English materials. English words flow through me more slowly than before. Guess I have to begin again English book reading, and restart my 10 new words a day. And a Vietnamese dictionary, feeling even my Vietnamese vocabulary is not enough for my writing.

Something very important I have to note down, as last night I thought to open the old dairy and wrote it, but now I can't remember what.

Anyway, I attended a friend birthday just last Tuesday, and saw how her fans appraised her upon her beauty, her writing. What I learn from that is, readers feel a piece of writing good, that means it says what they think, and readers will like the writer if he tells what they all think but cannot put into word, and they will be deeply moved by seeing themselves in between the words written.

The article that made me famous was also because I wrote what many people thought at that time, but didn't say it. I connected them in the words, they felt the empathy in my writing. Keep this in mind, and always think of what a reader likes when reading the book, I will create a product just fine.

Another trick in writing, whenever feel stuck, I just imagine the book on shelf, thinking what would be perfect at that point, what my readers expect in that part, then I put my love in it, try different styles of writing, then get over it, and move on. Mom gave me this idea. It helped.

OK, that's all for now. Will add if something more comes to my mind during the day.

* Note: check all the information parts and insert my story/experience or price comparison and 2 sites comparison to provide the best vision for readers and help the articles to be more attractive (as per publisher's advice).

Onward.

For my family

It's been the fifth day into the book. I was writing good yesterday. Feeling good.

I haven't told all about what I'm up to, just family and one close friend. A part of me, I'm not quite sure that I can make it, it's a long term thing and it requests a lot of patience and effort. I haven't been so good at being patient in the recent years, due to lacking of practice, I reckon. But I have reasons to fight for, I have my family, my mom, my grandmother. Mom reminded me that this is our (her and my) life time wish, it's been waiting for so long to come into life. Mom told that I had my grandmother and her courage, but I had more opportunity and more education, I had tools to make our dream come true.

My grandmother, her husband died when she was 20 years old, leaving her alone with 2 children. She lived a simple and frugal life, raising my mom and my uncle with her bare hands. Mom told that everyday she worked from morning to night in her garden, planting and watering vegetables for sale, every day she put an egg from the chickens she raised into the rice pot, eating half in lunch, saving the rest for dinner. Everyday during mom's college time, my grandmother ate that way to save money for her and my uncle's education.

My mom, she has a husband, and he is still alive now. But pretty much the same to my dead grandfather, father didn't help much at home, all the financial burden falls on to mom's shoulder, what he could do was mainly praying. Mom did everything she could to make me and my brother go to college, the best colleges in the country of our professions. She was very hard working, just like my grandmother. But history didn't do her a favor, just like what it did to grandma. These generations spent their lives struggling from war remnants, going through it, didn't have a choice.

But me, the choices are in my hand, the words are in my mind. I just have to put them all out, by order, with emotion. Grandma and mom did their parts in our family's history, now it's my turn to make the history of the family. This is not for money or fame. Apart from love of writing, apart from doing this for my own sake, I do this for my grandma, for mom, and for my future daughter. For them I will fight, diligently, fearlessly.

Onward, Rosie.

It's hard, but it's not impossible

The third day into my book project, and I'm dog - tired. My brain moans like a mangy beast when I try to take the words out. It's not that I don't know what to write, it's just exhausted to take the words out. Every other tasks seem to be so easy, my office job, guitar jamming, revising CVs, everything else is easy. Writing the book is the only thing that is damn difficult.

But it's an irony. Isn't it true that all my life I have been dreaming of this time, writing and publishing and get out of the tedious office cubic, living freely with my words and readers, and more importantly, with my true self. I have always believed that if I were born on this world with a mission, then that only mission would be writing. If I can do something to change the world, or to make a significance with my existence on this earth, it would be writing. I find myself fulfilled and excited when I write, when pouring the right words out of my mind and express exactly what I want to say. I want to go around the world and be a storyteller, letting people know how beautiful life is, to share my view, to cherish life and the world. But saying is always simpler than doing.

It was not easy, but not that hard to write, at least until this point of my life. Hence I never thought that it this difficult to write every day, 1,000 days a word, like I commit to myself, like what all other great writers advise.

Day 1, I tried to write whatever came to my mind, 1300 words, thought to edit it later, and it was a mess. I did revise it into a more decent version later, but it took me a lot of time. 

Day 2, I went for quality instead of quantity, doing a lot of research before actually writing. But I couldn't finish 1,000 within 4 - 6 AM in the morning, so I stole some free time during lunch to finish it. Nearly 2,000 words, a complete work.

Day 3, means today, I couldn't make it over 600 words, not good but not bad. Gotta finish it all tonight.

OK Rosie, if you cannot do it, just keep your mouth shut and go back to your dull job. No thorns, no throne; no galls, no glory; no laming, no naming; no struggle, no promised land. So go for it.

I'll change my strategy, balancing between quality and quantity, and do the research the night before maybe, to save time and jump right into writing when I wake up in the morning. Writing down these words make me feel better. Now, get back to the real battle. 

Love.

Just a day in August

It's been a while since my last post here. The internet in my house had problem last week. They didn't fix it until yesterday. One week. During the time, there were many times ideas came to me and I wanted to sit down and write. But I thought there was no internet, ah no internet, I couldn't do that. I didn't even think about writing on Words itself. Without internet cannot do anyway, that's what I constantly hear at home and in the office. And we can't do anything really, because we think so. See how life turns out to be with all of the new technologies. It makes us feel more helpless. See if there is no Facebook, no Google, someone must be lost.

I'm glad to say that my boredom at work is over. I've seen quite many people maintaining more than one career. More specifically, many people publish their books while remaining their daytime job. Then if the book comes out as commercially successful, they will give up the job and become a full - time writer. Or they can stay at their first professions for a life time and keep writing their part time hobby. Thanks to my dear friend I had the idea for my first book. It would be about traveling. Thinking if I spend time writing 1,000 words per day, then I can make 180,000 words for 6 months. That would make a fine book. Not to say yet about quality (in fact, I don't think that my writing is worse that traveling writers out there now), just to say about quantity, which I worry the most, it would be fine if I do it persistently and consistently. I don't need to quit my job. And even if I want to do it now, I need some particular time to arrange and make all the work perfect before I leave the company. But again there is no need to do so. I can just keep working, but do it excellently 8 hours a day. And then come home early to work on other tasks, to work for myself. I have 6 hours to sleep, 4 hours miscellaneous chords including traveling for work and cooking. So I should have 5 - 6 hours for myself. But I'm not using it efficiently. If I can make the most of my 24 hours a day, I can achieve any wild dream I have. So again, a reminder to myself. Let's work on that.

There is one thing I need to warn myself here. That is: to focus one thing at a time. Finish it then move to the next one. Not to spread my energy over a dozen of things, and cannot finish anything well. My mom was criticized by doing so many things at a time. So I have to be very careful not to repeat the same mistakes. Because it's a gene thing.

I started reading Tristes Tropiques last weekend. It is not an easy book to read, but very useful one. It helps me to realize my superficiality, how I follow the vain trends about traveling, exploring and cultures. A really good book for travelers, although it doesn't aim at travelers.

Someone told me yesterday: "I couldn't sleep. I went to the Brazilian restaurant. The singer there sang many songs today. But you're not here with me to clap". It made me cry instantly. When I sat down, I thought to write about love. But it hurt so badly that I wanted to change to another thing. But a thought strikes me that it's how life should be. God doesn't care if we're suffering or we're feeling bad or feeling hurt. No one cares actually. They only care when we work our butt off, when we make the change, when we plan and do as our plans. When we really live life to the fullest and impact it with the most positive thing we have.

Keep moving.

At my desk and at my table

1/ Once when I was making my report, an image about a sunny afternoon in Nara - Japan flashed on my mind, me wearing lovely blue dress, dancing around the small streets full of sakura trees, with temples around. Once when I was checking stock for sales, an old memory emerged, the day I and my friends went to Padang Padang beach, it was fabulous, light blue sky, amazing waves, wonderful cliffs, limber boys with tanned dark skin with their boards to the beach, hopping on and off, on and off. Once when I was arranging shipping documents, I remembered walking around Coron town at noon, climbing its mountain, and playing in the meadow there. There are times like that, when I was grinding my ass that the deadly desk, the images stroke me, memories of the times I traveled. That helped me to work harder, saving money for the next trip, and somehow survived through another day sitting at the desk. Sometimes I wonder, what if I'd never taken any trip, then what could I remember to wipe the boredom away. Like my mom, like many other people who never enjoy themselves on the road. Life would be a real burden, if you don't have good memories to think about.

2/ I have interviewed more people lately, and being more effective helping youngsters to find their jobs. And somehow my consulting skill gets better and better through time, and I remind from time to time the reasons why I decided to do this, to support people, guiding them, helping them through the struggle about what job to choose, about their careers and their jobs. And I realized that, opposed to my initial thought, I always like the people, I can always find the good things about them and start liking them, I feel close to them through the questions I ask, through their answers, their innocence, their purity, their inexperience. I feel good. Guess it's a job that I like. Maybe I can think seriously of a career consulting job, a coaching job. Maybe I can combine between a yoga and personal trainer with a life/career coaching job. Maybe. It's good to listen to people, feel them, speak their heart out, guide them through darkness, see their progress. I feel happy, on my own small table interviewing people at 11PM.

3/ It's 6.30 now, it's late. Usually at this time I must be on the street, buying food for dinner, after sweating time running. Actually I didn't think to write today, because I wrote more than usual yesterday, an English post, and a Vietnamese post for my friend's birthday. But now I feel like I have to write, and I don't want to lose the new habit I have created. "Writing everyday reaffirms my identity as a writer" I read that quote yesterday. So I am writing now, on my table, despite the fact that I really didn't know what to write about at the beginning. Words just flow, small thoughts reveal, I just need to note down. What makes me tired, what makes me happy. Follow the positive stuff, keep doing what I enjoy doing. Maybe just small simple steps like that, I can lead myself to the dream life I want.

The notes

I'm a curious person. When coming to people's houses, I'd like look at their working desks, seeing the stuff they have, the books they read, seeing how they arrange their works and lives, and somehow, knowing more about their personalities, their motivations. Guess what I like the most on strange desks? The notes.

Many people put notes or memos on their desks, on the bookshelves, or on nearby walls. A friend of mine hangs a big picture of Bruce Lee on the wall with his famous quote: "Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one". On his desk, there are notes about his stock market investment: "Three questions: When, Where, and How much profit?", or "Concentrating and Being serious in Study and Investment". He is a well organized man, although he lives alone, his house is fully equipped, neat and tidy. But he is lonely inside, his wifi password shows: emptiness. He is longing for someone to love.

My cousin, surprisingly, has many notes on his wall. "Waking up early to meditate and exercise", "Study, Read Book, No Games", "Wash the clothes right after Bath". He has been a troublesome guy, a black sheep of the family. He joined football betting and lost many motorbikes and money in it, he neglected his study and graduated late, he went to work for some companies and quit after a few months, claiming the companies to be problematic or the jobs to be tiring. I used to admire him when we were small, he was a talent boy then, very smart and gifted at painting. Everybody used to tell that he would grow up being a successful person. But he destroyed his youth in video games and betting. Now he has a decent job, in a big construction company. And he is trying to take control of his life.

And these are the memos I found on my guitar teacher's desk (I don't dig for notes, people just show them out): "Be thrifty with your time. Saving every minute. Time is precious" (I like that), "Fully concentrate, be mindful and conscious each moment in life", "Effective and Efficient". He is a special man, knowledgeable and erudite, going to reap the seeds he sew.

I got no notes on my desk. Actually, I only have a small table to put my laptop on, a yoga mat to sit on and sleep on and work out on, and piles of books and notebooks around. That's all for my working corner. You'll see nothing looking at that (smiling).

You know what I found seeing other people's notes. There is a thought, strikes inside my head. That if people live up to what they're meant to be, if they can manage to bring out the best of their talents, if they can stay true with their notes, then they will lead the life they desire, and have all they wish. The same for me. If I can do what I ask myself to do, then soon I will be the person that I've ever wanted, writing, traveling, inspiring. Again, the point is self - discipline. 

10 years

In the documentary movie named "Jiro dreams of sushi", Jiro the artisan told it took 10 years to make a good sushi. And in an interview with a girl learning traditional medicine, she shared with me that her teacher required her 10 years commitment to complete the study.

10 years, it takes a lot of time and effort to become expert in any field. As a well - known rule: 10,000 hours of concentrating practice to succeed to a large extent in your desired area. 10 years, isn't it long? I know I can't spend 10 years of my life to make sushi, or to study medicine (although I really love to be a traditional doctor). Asking myself again the question, what would I do if I have to spend 10 years of my life doing one repeatedly. I would say: writing. Writing, is always my final answer. 

But see again, what am I doing now? Not writing diligently. Thoughts come and go, if I don't capture them, they'll vanish like vapor. Looking back to my activities, the hurdle to my success is the inconsistency. I'm not always doing what I want to do, and when I set the goal to myself, I don't follow it strictly.

So now again to remind myself about things I have to do, here's the list:

1/ 30 minutes writing everyday. 30 minutes. Every day. Elizabeth Gilbert told set the clock and sit down and write for 30 mins. Chris Guillebeau suggested to write 1,000 words each day to become a professional writer. If I want to be a writer, just write. "Professional writer is like porn, we don't just work when the fit is on, we work everyday, when we are required to". So write with schedule, and practice with sweat, and pain. It's inevitable. 

2/ Read 20 pages a day if that's an English book, and 50 - 100 pages for a Vietnamese book. Books make good writers, there aren't no writers who do not read. So read as I'm doing now and speed it up. Just make it more scientifically, more systematically, more efficiently. 

3/ 10 - 20 new words a day. Learning English is the fundamental goal. Studying abroad? English. Integrating with the world? English. Becoming a global citizen? English. Besides, an average Vietnamese writer is paid very low, 10% of his book, while a writer in US/UK earns a lot more than that (30 - 50% as mentioned in "On writing" of Stephen King if I don't remember wrongly, anyway this info needs to be checked). So it is crucial to improve my English as a native - like speaker. 

4/ 30 minute exercise daily. No need to explain much. In a sound body resides a sound mind. Especially with exhausting job like writing, we need space to release the stress and re-charge energy. Innumerable writers take running as their habit. And who do not end up having unhealthy lives I believe. 

5/ 30 minute video everyday. Either it can be Ted talk video clip, or inspiring video, or MOOC courses. Pay more time to MOOC courses, there is a enormous reservoir of knowledge there in MOOC. Take full advantage of it. 

Well, that's it for now. 

There is a fact that I haven't been at the peak of my mood lately, craving to be on the road, longing for a free life, hating the office work. But my dear friend just told me to relax, and plan what I want to do, and reminding me that I'm on the right track and just keep walking. So I took his advice, just breathe, and keep doing what I'm doing, at the best of it. Doing my job perfectly, writing and reading everyday, planning accordingly. I found my talent and my passion, now comes the point where I need to seek for the sweet spot of conjunction between my talent and passion with the market's demand. And that's the hardest part. So be patient, and keep working. 

And whenever there is anything flashes on my mind, either euphoria or sorrow, just write it down. That's the best time to write down. Writing is a remedy. 

An excellent life

When I was in secondary time, I sat near a boy named Hai, a peach - skinned, handsome, humorous and mischievous boy. The reason why our teacher arranged us to sit together was because his study was weak, and my job was to help him to improve his academic result. He was hilarious, calling me "roasted jackfruit seed" (I was short and round like a jack fruit seed at that time), always teasing me and sending me funny poems. But his study was awful, lacking much of background knowledge and didn't fully concentrate in class. I didn't know why, as I helped him along his study, he came across to be a smart boy, quite talented in painting. Anyway, I looked down on him because of his academic performance and didn't pay much attention to him.

One day, I talked with a friend from another class, who had studied with Hai before. She told me: "When Hai was in primary school, he was the best student there, your head of the class now Kien was nothing compared to him. He even won several chess tournaments around the district". I was shocked, couldn't believe in my ears. What, Kien - the fearless powerful superstar in my class - was nothing to him before. Then I observed him sneakily, stunned at the truth. A question emerged in me, what made an excellent student be one of the worst then, how come he ended up that way, what had happened.

The same question followed me as I grew up. Sometimes I still wonder, how talented people turn out to lead trivial lives, contenting with poverty, ignorance and boredom. What happened? 

Then I read the book "The 8th habit" and found the answer. The author explained that human has 4 pillars of energy: body, mind, heart, and spirit, with 4 quotients PQ, IQ, EQ, SQ respectively. In order to lead a successful life, one needs to develop all four aspects: vision (intellect), discipline (physical), passion (emotional) and conscience (spiritual). Without any of these factors, one will fail to live his dream life. 

  So that's the point. People fail because they don't notice 1 or some of the 4 factors. I see many people having conscience and passion. But a clear vision to see a big picture and discipline are not always easy to execute. I've met a boy who was very nice and thoughtful, but he had many bad habits that prevented him from growing up to success, drinking and smoking too much, neglectful, and indisciplined. I can understand why, when facing the hardship of life, people like him tend to be discouraged, and fall into such things without much discipline and control. It's a sad thing.

In order to develop myself toward my dreams, I'm going to execute the 4 pillars of characters. With my passion for writing and beauty, I will restrain myself in the fixed schedule and work toward the vision I have chosen for myself, while keeping the conscience to guide my life.

The picnic to Eagle Island

Another thirty minutes. I'm going to write about my recent trip to Eagle Island with the people in my guitar class. Not just to jot down the event, it's meaningful to me in some ways because I discovered something interesting about myself from that trip.

To begin, I'm not the type of people who easily adapt to new environment. Instead, in a new place, I often stay back, observing people and atmosphere, if I feel like it, I will participate actively, if not, I just retreat, and find the way to escape from it. There are many times I feel lost in the crowd, not that I can't fake to be open and friendly, it's just I don't want to. That's the reason why I hardly get out of my comfort zone to join new activities.

When I heard about the picnic held by my guitar teacher (he is actually only 1 year older than me), I was excited. But a part of me was reluctant, what if the people there were so wild, what if they were so noisy, what if they were so annoying and ignorant, what if I couldn't fit in and made this event another forgettable memory. But another part of me whispered: just do it, then I registered anyway. And when I went to the warm up meeting before the picnic, my doubts dispersed. From their halos I could tell (don't ask me how, I just know it) that most of the people are not normal, they are smart, they are thoughtful, they are well - educated, well, it seemed good.

And then came the day the picnic took place. We rode our bikes for 40 kms out of Saigon, then took the boat to the island. It was actually an islet in the middle of a lake, very small, one can finish his round around the islet for 30 mins. They had basic accommodations there, a football field, a small restaurant and a lot of trees. We arrived, took rest, and had lunch with local fish and shrimp caught from the lake. It was delicious, partly because we all were hungry after the ride. Then it rained cats and dogs and the wind blew bows and spoons. We took a nap while waiting for the rain to stop, then went to the football field for some group games.

Needless to say how dirty the games went, full of powders and water, let alone the wet ground after the rain. Initially I didn't want to play but after a while I found myself actively involved. I was surprised to see many youngsters in the group experienced in activity organizing and team leading. My team won several games, especially the game with one person walks on two hands in the plank position with his legs held by another team member, went 10 meters to dig in a bow full of powder to find marbles. While other girls couldn't do that, I did the most of my team turns and felt super proud of myself, the personal training with my yoga teacher proved its effect. After finishing the games, we all were covered by powder and sweat, and friendship and fun. I actually felt close to some people in the group already, a tomboy girl in my team, the guitar teacher (he appeared to be cold and strict in the class, just like me), his best friend...

With the dirty clothes, we went to set up the tents and prepared the barbecue dinner. OMG I loved tents, and I love camping. So I jumped right into the place, eagerly pulled out the sticks, the canvas, and set it up. With the bbq, again I did zestfully, because I like cooking, and I also hate standing alone seeing people busy. Setting fire to the coal, putting food on the trays, grilling things. Then I went to have bath after other people finished and we all were ready for dinner. I put some more corn and sweet potato into the coal stove and served as dessert, and we enjoyed the cool dinner with grilled chicken, pork and vegetables.

Dinner finished with the official introduction from the group members, what they were doing, how did they get to know the guitar teachers (some of them were not guitar students but musicians and his friends). I didn't did my part quite well (I'm always embarrassed to talk about myself), but the guitar teacher told people afterward about my writing on Facebook and recommended them to check out some of my articles about education. Other people introduced themselves very impressively. I got to know that there were a lot of people were self - educated, special and talented. A boy in the group, he dropped out of school, went working for several companies, he could play piano, violin, harmonica, guitar of course, and is now a music teacher. My guitar teacher also gave up his university study and worked as a marketing/PR expert, then he was tired of corporate environment so he went teaching guitar instead, and now having a book publishing. (See what's going on with Vietnam's education).

All out of the sudden, someone pulled out the guitar, and harmonica, and some more guitars joined in, then we made a band. They played all the old music that I loved and some funny parody songs. We sang out loud at night, then play some more games for fun (The Yes/No game was the most hilarious, one has to answer yes or no for questions like "Before you engaged, did your fiancee know that you were gay" or "Besides chicken shit, do you eat cow shit"). There were a lot of jokes and laughter, and my stomach got hurt because of laughing so much.

Then the guitar teacher threw up a special game called car - wash. We stood in pairs, talked about impression and feeling with one another, then changed to the next one. I was surprised again, many people saw exactly who I am and liked me (not all, but I was happy to know it because I am always considered to be isolated). The harmonica boy told that his first impression about me was something passionate and confident, despite my small appearance, he didn't know where did my strength came from until my introduction. A girl told me that she admired me and wanted to learn many things from me. The tomboy girl told she was very happy getting to know me and being in my team. The teacher's best friend told me that he felt like knowing me for a long time already and that night was just like a dream he dreamed before because everything was so familiar. I was glad to know because I also felt the same about him. It's not gender attraction, but something harmonizing between souls that is very rare to happen, the people give me that feeling can be counted on the fingers of my one hand. And the guitar teacher. He told he was impressed by my determination, when I promised something I always finished it, when I attended class I was always on time, and when I decided something I always did my best to accomplish it, which is something he couldn't do (well I was not always determined and on time as I appeared to be, but I appreciated his ideas and would try to keep it). And he told he understood my struggle because he experienced the sorrow and pain, then he suggested me to develop myself through coaching and guiding people. From guiding people, I could find my path. And he was glad to have me joining the picnic because he knew I would love it. And we hugged, and I felt relieved from the struggle I had fought.

We stayed up until 2 in the morning, and went to sleep. I decided to sleep in the tent while other girls slept in the rooms, then 3 more girls joined me saying they wanted to sleep in the tent to but were afraid to sleep alone (haiz, thought I could have the whole tent for myself). Anyway, we had a good sleep after all.

5 AM, I was woken up by some voice talking outside. Other people already left the tent, I thought to sleep some more but then went out to see the sunrise. It was so nice in the island early in the morning, some birds singing peacefully, fresh wind blowing the trees, the horizon was inweaved with red, orange and blue color, the river was quiet, a small boat sleeping near the shore. I found a wooden swing to sit on and admired the scene and meditated in peace. Some people passed me by, and I was happy that they let me be alone. I knew that they were also in serenity themselves.

Well, it's over 30mins now again (I did check Facebook in between the write, too bad, will concentrate fully next time). To finish it, that morning, we went to the nearby island after breakfast and visited the fruit farm. The durian was so so so delicious that I bought a big one (I don't usually buy gift back home after a trip), then we rode back to the city, received the gift from the organizers (a picture of each person in the picnic), then said goodbye and went back home.

I went to have my bike fixed, back home at 5 in the afternoon. Then slept like a log. 

Thirty minutes

1. I read diligently, but haven't written much lately. I don't know what to write down now actually, although my mind is full of thought. Writing in English and in Vietnamese are totally different, it's like different kinds of thinking, not simply translating your thoughts from one language into another. Plus when writing in English I'm afraid of making mistake and repeating words, it stops me right there. But I try to write. I want to sharpen my English writing skill. In deed I have been in a struggle for the past two weeks about writing, thinking the road to my dream life of being a full time writer is still so far away, while I'm so tired of my current job, of the people around me, of everything in my life. But then I read a quote from my favorite writer: "It's not the world's fault that you want to become a writer. The world owns you nothing. So stop complaining and get back to work". So true. I also realized that if I want to be a writer, I have to write everyday. That writer also said: "set your clock for 30 minutes a day and sit down and write everyday, everyday". That simple truth is easy to see, I knew somewhere in my mind, yet still not really doing now. I just write when the fit is on. But it's not a good strategy. So here I am, sit down and write for 30 minutes. God, please help me to keep this habit for 21 days.

2. More about the struggle that I have been through recently, it's not only about writing (when you're in crisis, all the things just throw up on you), but also about meaning of life. Again the same old questions, emerging while I'm in the mess of life, who I am, what I'm here for, where to go in life, what is the meaning of my life. Deep in my heart, I know the answer. But I'm just confused and being torn away from two lifestyles, living the way I like and living the way I'm expected to. My ideal life is to be a writer and traveler (yoga teacher is somewhere in between), living simply in material but abundant in spirit. But I'm yet to be sure how to make it real. I want to quit my job and travel for a year as per my lifelong wish, then come back and write about my journey, and start my writing career. But my family and the society's idea is to be top notch in my current profession and live comfortably with the money I earn, and forget about dreams and aspiration. But you know, even the high class people are not happy with their lives until they find their true selves. My boss, a business man with hundred thousands dollars yearly earning, being general director at such a young age, owns two more companies, he seems to have everything that people desire. But he is physically weak, and always stressful. In a dinner together, he told me: "I don't know what should I do next, resigning this job, but then what." It strikes me that he is still struggling with his life. He does his current job just as he is good at it, and it satisfies his ego. But it's also not his dream job, ,he still hasn't found out the meaning in life. 

Some people find life to be temporary, and seek consolation in religions. Some others work diligently to save money, getting married, have children, have some small savings, and satisfied with that, my boss just simply has more than a small savings. But I wonder whether that is all what life about. Is that it? Certainly no. I find the meaning of my life through writing, telling stories, inspiring. Right now I just don't know how to live fully with it. Like Paulo Coelho, like Elizabeth Gilbert, like Stephen King, like J.K Rowling. Maybe with this 30 mins a day like this, I can move slowly forward.

3. It's more than 30 mins now already. But I still want to jot down another thing. The problem I have with communication, just one of the things I'm struggling with. I'm an introvert person, and I prefer time being alone, reading, writing, swimming, doing yoga, jogging. I don't like to talk to people, especially people at work, I find them bland. I often fall into isolation, hiding from the world. I find no meaning communicating with the people I don't like and pretend to like them or communicate to have a broader network for work or something like that. But you know what? I love communication, I mean deep meaningful conversation that brings understanding and joy and amity. So let me think about it that way. Communication is not to take advantage of the people I talk to for later use, but to connect, to share and be shared, to understand and be understood. So take it that way, let me be more open and talk to people, and improve my communication skill. 

Concentration, isn't it we all need?

I'm having a lot of things to do and plans to work on, guitar to practice, MOOC lessons going on, setting up a library for my mom's students, consulting graduates for job searching, a master degree, a RTW trip....

Yet what I find difficult to accomplish these goals is the concentration on my plans, to do what I'm doing with all of my attention and energy. My schedule is not perfect, I'm still not doing the best I can and squeeze myself enough for more work done. I'm slow and distracted.

It's been my problem for quite a while. I was very effective when I was small, grasping every moment I had to do something useful, always finish things first, always be the top, always be effective. But now I'm not, not that anymore. Things changed from high school and university time, as I didn't practise that habit then. Thinking how to get it back, be very strict with myself, be effective, creative and concentrated.

All in all, concentration decides a man's success. With the same time, who do more will lead. Some creative professionals resort to different kinds of stimulants to keep their concentration and energy at work. Balzac drank more than fifty cups of coffee daily during his writing time. Sigmund Freud smoked up to 20 cigars a day. Sure these are not what I want to involve. But I want to keep my concentration up.

One thing in common I found when reading creative routines of notables is that many of them spending a great deal of time for reading, writing, and jogging. It seems to suit me. I do believe that they all have their own special method to keep their mind focused during long hours of intense working and to relax and recharge their energy. Hence I also have to find my own way.

Will try these things out:
- Japa mediation right after waking up at 4AM.
- Jogging 30 minutes every morning, 6 days a week.
- Deep breathing throughout the day.
- Guitaring every night before sleeping.

Well, lets see how it goes.

Choices

I once read an idea like this: In life, what we all desire, what we all fight for, are sometimes nothing than choices. At that time, there was a disagreement emerged in me. I thought that it must be something else, something magnificent and tremendous, that worth desiring, worth fighting for, rather than choices.

But as time goes by, at this time of my life, I find myself reminding that old sentence more frequently, and whisper how right it is.

At my age, most of my friends are prone to get married, building nests and having kids. Or having master a degree while working, spending money and time in the obsolete education system. It's not what I want.

As getting older with fewer choices of suitors, I grow wiser and better with my knowledge. The world I'm seeing through books and traveling gives me a wider view. I know I always have other choices.

I can choose to get married as late as I want.  Or even lead a single life, if I wish to devote more time for writing and social activities.

I know I can wander around the world, living a simple and happy life, no care about social status, savings, and reproduction responsibility with my family. Or living abroad for some period of time, meeting new people, collecting stories, enhancing my English, and have more materials for my writing.

I know I can choose to gain knowledge through my self study programs, no need to register to MBA courses, no need to waste all my savings for a certificate and doubting its real value.Or getting a scholarship and experience a developed education environment.

Not like Mariam in A thousand splendid suns, whose only choice is to get married at the age of 15 with a man 30 years older than her and cannot go to school, I know I always have choices to make, and I'm grateful for that.

Choices are always there, it's just that whether our views are broad enough to see. 

But then life grows more complicated.

If you have only one choice, it's simple, no other way but go for it. Once you have more choices, you need to decide which way to go, and there you're afraid that you will choose a wrong way.

Charles Darwin said: "Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge". That's the reason why sometimes the very amateurs are the ones who achieve big things. The more knowledge I have, the less sure I am about the world. The more materials I have, the less I'm willing to loose my things.

Now, with my little knowledge and materials that I gain, with the crossroads of life in front of my eyes, I find myself not the brave, fearless and decisive kid that I once was. I find myself reluctant, and scared.

It's more difficult to go up from the middle point.

So I kick my ass, and murmur: "Just do it".