[Day 3] Daily journal

I've just finished a short story about happiness, feeling empty and relieved. It was 2000 words. So this is only a note to myself.

I've read Chip's blog recently. Even though she is well - known for her Vietnamese books, she writes better in English than in Vietnamese. And her writing is getting more mature. The latest blog is sorrowful and serene at the same time, although perhaps she didn't mean it. Her writing style is natural and witty, and always acute. It's a pity that she always thinks that people hate her because of her weird personality. But that's not the truth.

Yesterday was my third time teaching in the "Flying without wings" course. I felt 100% confident. Maybe because I was so anxious in the AirAsia media meeting so there was nothing left for me to feel nervous about when I came to the class. The good thing is that the students were very open and they shared their stories a lot. To my knowledge some of theses stories haven't been told to anyone, even their closed friends. I felt good and sympathized and emotional during the class, and I felt grateful to have them with me, sharing the stories and building the class. I know that even if we succeed in making another course and other courses after this, the feeling won't be the same. They were easy to laugh and chat to other students, and sometimes I had to get them back to the main points. I was partly satisfied with my performance, but came back home didn't know how the students really thought. But Vu sent me an sms saying that this time I did even better than the first time and soon he wouldn't have to attend the class. That reassured me, yet I'll just noted down here what I think I could have done better:

- Sometimes I used the wrong word, instead of saying "placebo" I said "placero", or I meant to say: "doctor and engineer", I said "docgineer". I know the students wouldn't mind it. But since I had a radio interview yesterday with xonefm, and I noticed the difference between the MC's speech and mine, so I should make this point serious. The MC talked very clearly and fluently, while I stammered sometimes and there were some words I spoke so fast them came out wrongly. Definitely something to improve.

- I still looked at the program a lot during my class. I didn't remember all. But it would be better if I reduce time scrolling up and down the screen when I teach.

Okay that's it for now. Gotta go to boot camp now. Hope to join the ultimate team sometime soon.

[Day 2] Reflection

Today I finished reading A Moveable Feast by Earnest Hemingway. Only when reading it did I know why his works gained worldwide recognition. Clear, simple, short sentence. Yet full of emotion and ideas. It gave me a very pleasant feeling reading his book. It's like sitting in a cozy couch near the heater in a clean, lovely, well - maintained house. And simultaneously looking out of the window and seeing the first rain of the year. A relieved and peaceful feeling.

But I was a bit surprised to know that Hemingway didn't live a happy life. Despite the fact that he was one of the most influential writers in 20th century, he won a Nobel prize, he was financially secure and could live wherever he wanted. Hemingway was severely wounded from several accidents at the end of his life, seriously alcohol addicted, and finally committed suicide by shooting himself in the head.

My heart was broken as I read his biography. A writer spent so much time to build his career, then ended his life at his career peak when he seemed to have everything he wanted. At some points of his life, perhaps he did reckon that the happiest moments were when he spent his youth with his first wife in Paris: "when we were very poor and very happy". Life is brutal sometimes, and when you think you know everything about life and have everything life has to offer, there you fall into its trap and end in misery. Hemingway is a muscleman with a strong personality. But he was no difference. How on earth am I suppose to live and thrive in this career? To excel in writing and earn a good living from that, yet staying positive and healthy at the same time. I still haven't figured it out yet. I guess I'll just make adjustments as I go along the way. At least I'm pretty sure I won't be alcohol addicted.

Today I'm also reminded of one thing. My friend said during his class: "If a person fails to keep his promises with you, then he will slowly lose your trust. Similarly if you don't do what you're supposed to do, slowly you will be disappointed with yourself, losing your confidence and starting to hate yourself". So in order to gain confidence, one way is to keep the promises to myself, do the job I want myself to do, overcome the challenges and try to keep up with my own standard.

That's it for now.

[Day 1] The weekend

Last friday I had the second session with "Flying without wing 1". This class the students were typically quieter than the other one. My class was not bad, and I could deliver most of what I wanted. But I want to note more information for later reference:

- I improved on handling questions. Some of the questions were tricky but I managed to direct back to the main points.

- I felt more confident. The first class I was a bit nervous at the beginning. But this one I was confident from the start.

Things to improve:

- What I could have done better was to explain more, stressing the details, so that the students could understand more, and also to create "wow" moments. For example, if I said: "I went on a trekking trip for 90 km", the students couldn't imagine how hard it was, but if I said: "We had to walk for 25 kms each day", then they could have a better idea. 

- I should have told them the story about my childhood and my journey from a confident girl to a shy adult, and then back again. That would make a different impression. 

- It was more difficult to make the students laugh. The whole atmosphere was as not exciting and energetic as I wanted. This class is more challenging so I should find a better way to communicate and engage the students next time.

I find it hard now noting down the details after a few days from the class. I should have noted down right after finishing the class at that night. Writing the journal and jotting down everything I thought have great effects which I already experienced. I also told my students to do the same. It's especially good for stress management, reflection and self - understanding. I just need to be more diligent in this. Whenever I want to do something, I just need to do it, and beat procrastination.

Talking about procrastination, I've just learnt a lesson about this. I have planned to write something to ask for my readers' opinions. But on the day I planned to do it, I just postponed. And the next day, the chance was gone, and I can't do it now. I know everyone procrastinates to an extent, and I'm also not very satisfied with me on this aspect. But this is an event that shows me the drawbacks of procrastination clearly and immediately. I felt bad about myself. But if I don't change then things will stay the same, and life will keep throwing bigger stones to me until I do something about that. A hard lesson. Need to act on that.

Apart from that, I’ve made some progress. Last week I took two of my old friends out for a vegetarian meal. They are both very gentle and mild and lovely, and I was glad that I had more time to talk with them. I also went out for a drink with a bunch of friends and we all spent very nice time together. Not to mention a very nice chat with three youngsters who studied abroad to prepare for a new event.

And yesterday I strolled around D5 with a new friend. He’s a cool chap, traveling Vietnam for several weeks. I met a countless number of travelers in my life, some were ironic, some were LSD or drug addicted, some were party animals, all kinds of people. Although I could get along with many of them, I felt the connection with very few people. And he is among the few. 

He is an experienced traveler who is really interested in local cultures. Of course everyone says they would like to discover cultures when they go travel. But you will notice some are not what they think they are as what they do in a new place is going to pub crawl with other fellow travelers, eating in big fast food chains, and backbiting local people they’ve met. This guy is different. He made an effort to meet a lot of people in Saigon to learn more about the culture, he could speak a great deal of Vietnamese words with amazingly correct pronunciation, and he wandered around in the areas not well known by tourists.

After we met, I drove him to Cho Lon, and he showed me the way there because my last time there was around 5 year ago. We walked around the market, he was trying to find a specific kind of pan using in Chinese cooking, then checked some jackets and we had lunch together. At first I felt a bit bored walking around in a noisy market, then I started to look around, and the more I breathed and felt conscious of the scene around the better I grew. As we went out of the market for a walk, I felt really like it. I guess that’s the whole point, that’s what so called: “enjoying life”. We go through life in haste, always looking for more and expecting great things to happen. But life is not always awesome or amazing, not filled with adventures and achievements every day. So if we breathe mindfully and enjoy tiny pretty things, and cherish every moment that we are alive, then life will unfold to us with all of its greatness. After all, life is in the small things.

It’s always a pleasure to have a well – behaved company. The new friend really knew how to entertain local people with his Vietnamese, politely asked the pharmacies for Cobratoxin, and enjoyed the “bun mam” bowl to the last sip. When we were walking on the street, an aquarium shop owner invited him to her house to take pictures of the fishes, and he brought a big smile to her face when he returned her hospitality by his gestures. He had a Canon 6D and he took very nice photos. The photos were lively and had the “soul” in them, as I reckoned later when he showed me the pics. He also surprised me with three little gifts from his hometown. I’m sure he’ll be welcomed wherever he goes, and be liked by many people. What a pity he already has a girlfriend, she is in Da Nang waiting for him. Good men are taken, ahaha.

Anyway, that was a nice weekend, and my new week resolution is to be more tolerant of my mom. And increase my workout time.

My first time

Okay, so it was my first time teaching a class in the "Flying without wings" course. And to tell the truth I have never instructed a class before. I have some tutoring experience in hand but it's obviously not very the same.

On Monday evening, before the first class, Vu told me that the part that we were going through was not very complicated, so after he taught the first class, perhaps I could try teaching the second one. I was not prepared for that so I was a bit surprised. But I knew that he was trying to help me. So I took note seriously during his class, and jotted down every information that I found useful.

As the second class would take place in the next evening, I spent the day following preparing the program for my class. The topic was about habit change. I had a lot of experience in this, so we both agreed that I could provide the students with interesting stories and examples. Vu already gave the program, so it was easier for me. But I also did some research, checked again my materials to see if anything I could supplement to this topic. Then I searched and noted down the tips for first time teachers, then tried to think of the relevant examples for each point in the class.

A good thing throughout the preparation is that I was not nervous. Previously before any public speaking events or programs, my heart would bound crazily and be filled with anxiety every time I thought about the time I went on stage. But this time I found myself calm and relaxed. Because I found new technique. It was really useful. The morning before the class, I made a speech to myself about the reasons why I needed to conduct this class. Then whenever I felt afraid I would whispered: "Okay Fear, listen. I am going to do a new thing, to get out of my comfort zone again. And I know that you're gonna join me. But I am not going to let you drive. I will be the driver on this journey, and Story - Telling, and Confidence, and Joy will be the navigators at the front seat with me. You are only allowed to take the back seat. If you take the wheel then you will drive us all to hell. I know you want to warn me, to give me the caution. And you will sometimes trick the brain and do silly things. But your place is in the back seat, so enjoy the ride".  Then every time I felt my heartbeat raising, I would take a step back and talked out loud: "Don't worry Fear, I don't ignore you, I do reckon you. You're a part of me, but you're not all of me. And you will have your fair share, so be calm. Of course we will make mistake, of course things will not be perfect. That's okay. Now don't alarm me about that, let us find the way to eliminate the mistakes".

What I found out was that this technique really helped me. We usually say: "I'm afraid. I'm so nervous". We think we are coward and shy and fearful. But we are not. That's just Fear inside of us who is speaking up. But don't identify Fear as ourselves. Inside of us there are also Joy, and Creativity, and Courage, and Confidence, and many other characters that we can think of. So when Fear speaks up, just recognize it and calm it down. And another thing I figured out that we're often panicked because we're afraid of failing, of mistake. But of course we will make mistakes if we try new things. So if we recognize that and just do it anyway, then things will be alright.

The whole day went so fast and in the twinkling of an eye I was in front of the class. At the beginning of each class Vu would do something fun to boost the energy, but I didn't really know what to say so it was a bit quiet at first. Then I started some small talk and the atmosphere was a bit better, then I began. My face was hot, I knew I was blushing but I couldn't help it. Some students looked at me with curiosity, and I went a bit wary. But I continued and told my students some traveling stories relating to the topic. And people were more engaged. Then before I knew it, I became more and more fluent and lively, and people started to laugh, and I asked students to join the discussions and raised many questions, and the students shared their stories and contributed their ideas. At some points, they were so excited and engaged into conversations. My mom was especially very lively and talkative, and was more childish than any other student. I had to stopped her sometimes. But in general, I found the students really like my stories, especially the story about my childhood, how I went from a public - confident person to a shy coyly one.

Two hours went and I ended the class with ease. I thought that if I talked for two hours, I would be exhausted, but it turned out that I was not very tired and I actually really enjoyed the whole time instructing. At the end, Vu gave some adjustments, differences between habits and cultures. He also commented that he was so surprised with my performance and felt proud of that. Everyone gave me a big applause and we exchanged free hugs and went home.

Vu has noted down my program and commented there. He also helped to give me a detailed feedback for me to improve. He said that I did a good job, easy to understand, clear structure, good interation with the class. Performance 8/10, my voice has good volume, stress and pauses, good stories and examples.

Of course my class was not perfect, and here are some points for me to improve:
- Needed a better start. Find more ways to begin the class.
- Sometimes my body language was quite stiff, one hand under the other's elbow.
- Reduce time looking at the program.
- I didn't react and handle some of the students' questions very well. For example: Tram told that she yawned so many times, more than she wanted. I should have suggested that it would maybe because she didn't exercise much so she didn't feel very energetic. Or the part in which Tu asked for the motivation of the habits.

Vu's comments:
- Class management. Sometimes other students and my mom interfered too much.
- Feel free to continue the class when it's in good flow regardless of the time.
- More examples than necessary.

But in general we both felt good, I was confident and conveyed the knowledge well. I just need more experience then my skill will improve.

Then we went back home, Phan Phi called me and told some people of the trekking group were jamming near my place. So I went there and joined them. We drank a bit (they drank beer, I drank water), and had some porridge, and sang together while Khoa was playing guitar. The atmosphere was so cool, good friend, good food, good songs. Uunder the yellow light, near a bush of green trees, and the smell of Chinese honeysuckle, my favorite flower. A perfect way to end a busy day.

Flying without wings

So I and Vu my friend organized a course for university students named "Flying without wings", to provide the mindset, attitudes, skills and tools needed for youngsters to thrive in their youth. There is a saying that: "Youth is wasted on the young", when we are young, we don't know what to do, how to improve ourselves, where to go, who to ask, which route to take. Consequently, much of our precious time of youth often passes by wastefully.

Vu has been conducting his course How to have a wonderful college time to his club members and received good feedback on that. When I joined, I was eager to share more of my work experience and life story about how I found my passion and improve myself to be a autodidact, and live the life I wanted. I also thought that it would be a great chance for me to practice my teaching skill. But frankly speaking I didn't know what to expect. I thought that we would only teach his new club members. But it turned out that Vu would like to increase the scale.

So we did the announcement and promotion for the course. Mainly on my Facebook. Since Vu was already mainly in charge of the content, I thought that I would need to take care of other things as much as possible. So I did the operation, sending and replying emails, talking and explaining or answering the questions and queries from people who were interested. After the recruitment period we had enough students for 2 classes. 

It was amazing on some aspects. Most of the students in the course are my Facebook followers. At the first place, my Facebook has been mainly for entertainment and writing. I haven't done any serious activity regarding business there. No records in teaching or education or soft skill training whatsoever. But many people sent me messages, asking for the course. They were really interested in what I offered. And nearly a hundred of them registered for the course. And nearly half of the people registered actually joined the class. You know it's not easy to persuade people to buy your products, even if the product is good for them, and with a very reasonable price.

Following that event, I came to realize that people do trust me. At least from Facebook readers. Trust is not gained overnight. My good work get paid. I have been consciously writing on my social network sites about the topics that I believe would benefit my readers. I have left out most of the trivial things that other KOL do frequently like restlessly promote their personal images, bragging, sharing unnecessary things, complaining or scolding anti fan. I believe that people appreciate that effort of mine to an extent. That's the thing, but the fact is I'm trading my reputation. If we don't do well in this course, or if any problem happens, then my reputation will be affected. Once affected then it's very hard to get back. 

So 2 classes seem to be not a big number, but it's good enough. We struggled a bit during our recruitment but then everything turned out to be alright.

Another thing I would like to note here is that I really like the students. Many of them are bright lovely potential youngsters. Looking at them, I felt a immediate good impression. Hearing their stories, I felt much sympathy. I reckon they have so many potentials inside of them, but they are pulled down by bad habits, by social pressure, by obsolete education system and wrong belief. With proper guidelines and instruction, they will develop quickly and thrive in life. I feel their sufferings, their pains, their concerns, fears, and also hope and wishes to live a fuller life. I can feel that we have the same color, promising to create a good environment, or even positive community from the class. 

After 2 classes, there have been a lot of sweats, tears, stories, and love notes. I really enjoyed the part where we did the free hugs. It's a warm and nice feeling. Feeling of connection, of compassion, of being a part of something bigger than us, feeling of helpfulness and service. 

Yet, again I need improve my skills and knowledge in coaching so I can help people more effectively. 

Lessons for today.

Today, I read The Art of Travel, a book I started to read a long time ago but haven't finished. An old man travelling from places to places, nothing special really happened. But his thought, his ideas, he comparisons and word flow were incredibly beautiful. I just wanted to embrace the book and close my eyes for a moment, thinking about all the wonderful things in this world, quickened by his literature.

Mom has moved to live with me and stirred my life up more than a bit. I've lived far from home since I was 15 and I've met mom like 2 - 3 times a year, around a week each time. I haven't been living with mom for so long. Now being together I find so many petty trivial things about her that make me uncomfortable. I feel like my father, little sympathy and patience and easily get irritated. After a while suffering from the negative emotions, I started to think that this is a great chance for me to change. I can either be grumpy or sulky all the time, or I can test my endurance, and see how well I can adjust and adapt to new situation. I can also use this time to practice my free will, as per Mr. Viktor Frankl's theory: people are free to choose their reactions to the situation, how difficult the situation might be, we can always take a step back, evaluate the whole scene and consciously choose how we want to behave. I can learn to be a better daughter, a more enduring person, having more temperance and strength. A challenging opportunity.

One thing I've noticed is that I've been not in good mood lately. I haven't felt the simple emotion of happiness, just by simply inhale and exhale deeply into my lungs, like before. I feel like joy has left me, peace left me, love also already left me to a far away land. I would wake up in the morning and drag through the day, doing my job ineffectively and groaning about things that didn't happen the way I wanted. I lost my motivation.

But then again I'm reminded that no one there to motivate me rather than myself. I cannot expect the situation to change. I cannot rely on external force. In order to reach my goal, my dreams, my objectives, I have to be the one who proactively motivate and inspire myself every day. Every single day. Perhaps this problem is caused by the infrequency of my writing. I don't write, I'm not effective, I don't feel good, and I slack in all other aspects. That's dangerous. I have to change. My dreams are big. And life is not easy. I cannot expect always pleasure and happiness and success along the way. This is also a challenge that I have to overcome, struggle with my own self, conquer my procrastination, getting out of my own hesitant self to be more effective and productive.

Life will keep throwing stones at you until you learn your lessons. Or you will be dead. 

Change needed.

Okay after several issues I decide it's time for change.

The first thing is about personal branding. I've been slacking on this.

I've been proud of myself as a honest and modest person, not fame addicted, nor having high ego, nor being narcissistic. I don't try to promote my brand name, or promote my products or services, or show off to other people. I just try to do things as well as I can, under the line and not boasting or talking about things I do. But gradually this led to some negative effects. The fact is that I don't receive the opportunities I deserve, my work doesn't reach potential customers, and to this point people are looking down on me, as my mom and my roommates have warned me.

I've been doing yoga and practicing meditation and humility, one of the key points of yoga. I don't know if it affects my performance or not, but I definitely lost my competitiveness gradually. I have little to no desire to compete with other people. But I have to change. It's a competitive world. And if I don't talk, don't actively perform, and don't tell people about what I do, they won't know. The time of "good wine needs no bush" is dead. There are so many good brands of wine out there. Yeah, your wine may be good, but if you don't do anything to invite other people to try your wine, how can people know? Definitely need to change.

So how to change?
- Write more, 2 - 3 posts/week.
- Be more relaxed. Everything is just a game. Why so serious. Be more entertaining.
- Be free to talk to people about what I do, not afraid to promote my work.
- Write what I like.

Second, relationships.

I have so many contacts, relationships, networks in my circle. But I've been very reactive in my social relationships. Whoever come to me and talk to me, I'll talk to them and be their friends. Whoever don't contact me, I let them go. So I lost several connections with the people I like and want to befriend. Sometimes I feel I don't have many close friends. Sometimes I feel so lonely. Sometimes I want to call out my friends to play Catan but I don't know who to call. Too bad. So sad.

After some time pondering over the problem, I reckon 2 reasons:
- I'm independent and I think I can live without any help. And I don't need boys or relationships or people to live my life well. So sometimes I just let precious people in my life slipped without my consciousness.
- I've been raised in a family, where both father and mother are not very sociable. In fact my parents somehow believe that who actively connect their social relationships are for the sheer purpose of taking advantages of their relationships later on. So I may have the same subconscious belief, that building relationships is bad and not necessary.

So what I need to do is to actively connect with the people I like:
- Change my understanding about relationships. Social network is not bad. You make friends, support people and have their supports. Learn, grow, and have fun together. I have a lot to offer, and other people are too. It's not about taking advantage, but it's about mutual benefits.
- Meet a new friend and an old friend every week.
- Join the clubs I like to participate every week (swimming, yoga, boot camp, frisbee).

Onward Rosie. You have a lot to improve.

Yoga Event

I felt pretty satisfied. Yesterday I was on stage to introduce people to yoga and instruct them to the poses in the International Yoga Day Charity Event held by Yoga Lifestyle. Who knew I could go that far, after 3 years of doing yoga. I skipped the trekking trip with my friends after I received the invitation to co-host the yoga event. Of course I wanted to join the trip, but I decided to help because I had responsibility with the yoga club, they lacked human resource. And another reason is that it's a chance for me to go out of my comfort zone and practice my skills again.

Although my concerns about the root of yoga didn't fade away, I felt quite good about the event. We didn't have much time to rehearsal, we actually didn't rehearsal. But I managed to co-host, translate and instruct well in the event. The part I like the most was the time when we all four instructors standing inside the backstage and whispered our prayers to god, to wish for a successful event. And it was successful indeed. People danced and had fun, and many people praised about the vegi food and the decoration and the music. And I conquered my stage fright again. I was the first instructor to conduct the poses, with a lot of talking, but did with calmness and a relaxed manner. I was not nervous and didn't make mistake. I talked clearly and softly, my voice was soothing. And when I chanted along my teacher, I was even surprised at my voice, it was good, and much better than I expected. Some of my readers joining the event later told me that I was much more cute and beautiful than they expected. And Sean my teacher gave me compliments on my performance.

There was a speech from Toa Tau's representative, and I didn't prepare to translate that, actually no one gave me the speech beforehand. The girl just went upstage and talked spontaneously, and her speech was quite impressive. But I didn't translate all what she said. Anyway, other people confirmed that I did a good job on that too.

We had a lot of fun in the event. Although other instructors were very nervous, they also performed well. In a pose, Ha Linh told the audience: "Sorry, my legs are shaking, I can't lift it up". And Anna went to a wrong pose. But those are not big mistakes, and we all had a good laugh afterward. I love these people. They may have different belief, different personalities from me, but they have good hearts. And I love to be around them.

I reckon there is nothing better to learn than the habit of constantly stepping out of my comfort zone. Do the things I'm afraid of. Do things I've never done before. Do things that I'm reluctant to do. Learn new things everyday. Meet new people and talk to old friends every week. Be more active in my relationships. That's the best way to learn, to grow and to mature.

Feeling much confident and good about myself now. Keep moving forward. 

Today

There are so many people in this city, yet we feel lonely sometimes.
There are so many things to say, yet I feel speechless somehow.
There are so many ideas in my mind, yet I don't know what to write.

Lately I've been pushing myself out of my comfort zone a lot. I realized many of my problems when I do that. Communication, relationships, my inner self.

I'm not feeling very good right now. I've just gone outside and met new people. I felt so strange. For a new girl I met this morning, I felt quite comfortable. Talking to her and felt the connection. Really love that. But for the people this evening, I felt nervous talking to them. They are just normal people, nothing really special. But I felt anxious just by looking at them. I lost all of my confidence. I felt my legs shaking.

Deep inside of every human is loneliness, lost, pain, fear. It's certainly not easy to confront those emotions. I don't know if this experience does anything good to me. Today I just feel a bit sad, a bit lost, a bit lonely. And I want somebody to hug.