The artists

Do you wonder why I often start my blog with the word: "yesterday"? Because I usually write this blog early in the morning. Perhaps it's better if I write at night to reflect the day. But when I come home at night I normally feel tired and just wanna sleep immediately. Next time let me see if there is any difference between writing the blog at night and in the morning.

So yesterday was a wonderful day. I met two new people and it felt like I've known them for a long time already. They are artists, so I guess that's the reason why. I would love to spend more time with them, to get to know them more and perhaps become good friends in life. But I guess there is little chance for me to do that.

Sometimes I think about the people in my life. It's amazing how we meet so many people in our lifetime. Some we meet for once, some for many times. Some stay with us for a long time and play important roles in our lives. Some we've met for a short time yet their impacts are strong. People come and go. And I don't regret things in my life in general. I let them come and go. To me there is no point trying to keep relationships that don't work anymore. As time goes by, people grow in different paths. And if a person don't grow in the same direction as we do, it's difficult to keep them with us. That's why it's so hard for couples to stay together for a life time. Time goes, people change. To me it's natural that there are some people who are very close to us at some points in life, then they part away and we don't see them anymore. It may feel sad but things happen for a reason. What we consider to be bad today may be a good thing when we look back later. We will never know. 

My conversations yesterday with the artists were deep and funny and weird at the same time. Perhaps I don't meet other artists often, so I get so excited meeting like minded people. Right now I really hope that I can see my new friends again (more than once) in the future. But I know I won't see them for long, and I feel sad about that. Yet again I have to remind myself. We often expect so much in life. That's the cause of all the disappointments. Instead of expecting more, I should stay back and thank God for what I've got, for the time that we've shared, for the joy and ideas that we brought to each other together. 

I got good news from the illustrator. The one that I really like to have my book illustrated by, he messaged me yesterday. Another painter (also my favorite) will draw the picture, and he will be in charge of the typo. I was so happy about that. I just hope, and will work with them to make sure that we will have a good book at a good time. I have so much faith in this. I believe that it may take a long time to finish and to publish the book, but it's worth the wait. The process is not easy, and I've struggled a lot. But I'm really satisfied with the product now. And I believe that once it comes out, it will be big. I believe many readers will find the book useful.

A friend of me is staying at my house. She is just 19 years old. So young and pure. And lovely. She is having a hard time of her life. And I hope she will find peace soon. 

It's all about running

Yesterday I went running. It's been a long time since I last did it. I once ran very frequently. But my running partner got married (don't look at me, it's not because of me that he got married). And I haven't run very often since. I miss the night run with him. We used to run for 5 - 7kms, with the average speed of 7mins/km. I always feel so good and energetic after a run, like I could lift the whole globe with my two hands.

I went to the park not far from my house. It's a big park. I looked around and I noticed that I haven't been here for a while. The osaka trees which were covered by bright yellow blossom during the summer are now filled with dark green chopstick - shaped fruits. Many big trees in this park. Full of greenery. I drew in my stomach to activate my abdominal muscles and started to run in a steady speed. It felt good. The tiles covering the pavement slowly flew under my feet, one after another. Same same but different.

Running is like meditation. When we run, we don't think of anything. We breathe, we move our legs, we look ahead. The mind, the body and the soul are united. We feel our existence in the current moment. That's what I love about running. And that's what I've long missed. Many writers cultivate running or walking as their daily activity. It's good to relax the body and mind after long hours writing. I don't write for long these days, and I haven't run. Perhaps it's a good way to start all again, go running and then sit down writing. I'm done with the second book and I rest long enough. There're many other things to do. My third book is waiting for me to finish. I need to start preparing my documents for the MFA, the personal statement, the CV, the essay. Yeah right, the essay. And then my first fiction book.

As I ran along the park I suddenly realized something. In order to keep moving up and thrive in life, we have to push ourselves. Go the extra mile, people say. Run a little bit further, write a little bit longer, work a little bit harder. A little bit more every time. But I haven't pushed myself hard enough. I'm being too comfortable with my pace, in everything. So to move up to another level, I should actively motivate and encourage and push myself more. A little stress is good for me. No pain no gain. Be my own coach.

It was a good afternoon. I didn't mean to run. But my boot camp class was canceled and I went there seeing nobody, so I thought I would do some running. I stopped after 1 hour running as I was afraid that if I tried so hard then I wouldn't want to do it soon. Then I gave myself a coconut as a reward. It's rainy season and the coconut is back to be cheap. It was double the price during the summer.

Yesterday was my best friend's birthday. We hung out in the morning. Despite the fact that we live together, I always feel that we don't talk or spend time with each other enough. And we had a "date" on her birthday. It's good to go out with her, peaceful and serene as she is. I know that I'm not an easy person to live with, so I really appreciate her tolerance and friendship. People say that we don't know what we've got until we lose it. But I know I have her and my brother with me and they are the best housemates I can have. And I thank God for that.

I found the designer for my book cover. My editor told me that he would suggest that designer to the decision maker. I have a feeling that this designer is the one for my book. His personality and his style suit the book. Been waiting so long for the book to launch. I will need to actively engage to make sure it is published at the time I need. 

Same old lessons

1.

I met a new friend yesterday. Before meeting him I thought he would be curt and cold but things turned out to be the opposite. He was very nice, kind and considerate and knowledgeable. He studied and worked in the US for five years before moving to Italy to work as a teacher. Since I also have some experience in teaching, we exchanged nice stories about that. He told me some interesting facts about education, a comparison of education between the US and Europe. That was useful, especially when I'm considering pursuing an MFA in the USA.

Meeting him reminds me that I should not judge people so easily based on the way the communicate or look or etc. I imagined him as a different person but then he proved that I was wrong. If I hadn't agreed to meet him, I could have never knew that. More than that, there are something I learned from him. Every person can teach us something, again another old lesson. I learned from the way he communicated, how he commented about things, especially about something he didn't like, or someone he didn't agree with. His communication is perfect, not perfect in a sense that he has excellent communication skill, nor he is a very clever person who uses his skill to impress and take advantage of it like the people I used to see in business context. Perfect because his communication conveys exactly what he wants to say, leaving little room for miscommunication. It brings insight, helping other people understand him better as a person and gives pleasant feelings. And he didn't try to impress, it's just the way he is, the way he thinks and talks. He didn't judge, he didn't easily jump to conclusion and didn't make strong comments to show how important, how right he is. Moderate, thoughtful and rational. It makes me think about myself and what I said to him. I judge things and people so carelessly and I didn't even know it. But it is so common, for me and for the people around. We prefer this to that, this is nice, the other one is not, this person is wrong, the other person is right, etc...  We fall on different poles. That makes it hard to accept the people who are different from us, or things that are new to our perception.

If I get married, I'd like a husband who possesses this quality of the new friend. A nice quality that he has. A nice guy.

2.

Yesterday I pondered and I came to know why I got disappointed with myself lately. Same old thing, as my friend said before. It's because I committed to do something, so many things, but I didn't do as much as I wanted. I didn't work as hard and effectively as I wanted. I failed to keep the promises I made to myself. That's why I felt tired, lost and empty. Again it reminds me that overcoming myself and trying to live up to my own expectation is the hardest thing to do. And it's the only thing I need to do. I don't need to please anyone or live up to anyone's standard. I myself is the strictest judge. If I don't do well enough, I won't feel good. Even if other people tell that I did a good job, but I know I haven't tried as hard as I can, then I also can't feel satisfied. And even if other people don't think that I did well, but I'm content, then that's more than enough.

So there is only one thing I need to do to get out of this situation. Beat procrastination and work more to achieve this year's objectives.

Onward.

Fatigue

I have been away from Saigon for the Ly Son camp. I was invited as the guest speaker in the talkshow about eco tourism, which is an activity in the camp. The talkshow was held in only 1 day but I had to stay in Ly Son for nearly 2 weeks, and attended all the other activities. I met so many nice and talented youngsters in the camp. It was fun. But tiring at the same time. I want to write about all of the people I've met and the stories and the activities, but I'm still exhausted. Another time maybe.

So I'm back to normal routine, and back to my class, just on time to instruct the 3 last sessions of the "Flying w/o Wings" class. And all the three classes were disappointing. Perhaps I didn't prepare well. Perhaps I didn't invest enough time and energy. I was not satisfied with what I presented and I knew the students felt the same. So here in this blog I'm gonna skip all the other things and note down what I need to learn from this experience:

- In these classes, I fell into the trap of an old teacher. Talking and letting students taking notes. And didn't let them have the time to discuss or share their ideas. My sessions were rigid and shallow. A student told that my class was not fun and inspiring as normal.

- I didn't really pay much effort into these classes. Then after I fell I realized that everything needs investment. Especially something relates directly to the people like instruction/teaching/education. Once you commit to this mission, you need to put your full effort to it. I was wrong that I was not totally mindful before and during the lasses. Especially in the last class, I should have showed the best of me to the students. But I didn't. Now I resent it.

Anyway, it's over and I can only take note to improve myself in the future. What I can do better is instead of instructing, just giving the questions out for discussing and let the students talk. Ask and listen and let them solve the problems themselves. I've done this but I need to remember and consciously do this more and more often in the class. There are still a lot to learn to be a good instructor.

It is strange about my fatigue. There was no labor from dawn to dusk during the camp or something. And I did yoga and tried to have enough nutrition. When I'm back I'm supposed to be efficient and supportive. But it is as if there were a hollow inside of me, empty, wearisome, bone tired. I don't want to complain. But I want to break down and understand why I have this feeling. Okay, let me think rationally. Mmm.

Okay another thing to note.

A friend of mine sent me her book for proofreading. She is young and talented and I really admire her. I came to the book expecting to love it. I wanted to love it. But I couldn't. Because of the writing style. It sounds like every of her readers hates her and she is using this book to revenge them all. I guess it's because of her false belief. She seems to believe that people hate her, and she is not good at making friends or communication. I understand that this is from her painful experiences in the past. She used to be very famous, she still is. But she withdrew from the public for a long time after some scandals and strong reactions from the anti fans. And that affects her writing. There are so many self - mocking jokes in the book that it becomes annoying. But the truth is many people admire her. She is witty and smart and inspiring, but somehow she still thinks that all the other people cannot stand her. Well, maybe some. But not all.

I believe that every writer want his/her books to be loved. And I feel sorry for my friend. She is strong and independent and is always like: "yeah whatever I don't care". But there are very few people who can totally ignore what other people talk/think about them. And of course she cares. I hope she can make peace with herself and love herself more, so readers can feel more love in her writing.

Ok that's enough for now. The good thing about free writing is I can write about whatever I like and stop whenever I want, haha.

Thanks God I'm writing again. I probably should think about a healing writing course soon.